


Ghosts

by ELG



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-18
Updated: 2013-03-18
Packaged: 2017-12-05 17:46:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,880
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/726081
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ELG/pseuds/ELG
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After Sha're's death, Jack cannot bring himself to believe in the message Daniel says she sent him through the hand device. But is it Daniel's grief which is making him suicidal or is something on the planet affecting him?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Ghosts

I couldn't have said what it was about this planet that creeped me out so much from the beginning. On the surface there was nothing wrong with it. There were – surprise, surprise – lots of trees, but a planet _without_ lots of trees would probably have been more of a shock by this point: There were babbling brooks, lush meadows, impressive mountains and all the kind of terrain you'd pretty much expect on a world the Goa'uld had picked for the purpose of keeping enslaved humans in more or less good health. Yet, there was just something…off about it, and, of course, there was the slightly disconcerting little detail of there _being_ no humans. At least not so far. Not a one.

I couldn't speak for Carter and Teal'c, but the second we stepped through the 'gate, I was getting weird little shivers down my spine and prickling up my neck hair. The first hour I was so damned jumpy I was ready to empty a clip into a boulder if it looked at me sideways. The further we walked, the more proof we found this planet's quota of indigenous inhabitants was currently running at zero. There were the trees, the mountains, the tinkling little streams, and the four of us. Apart from that, zip. Which didn't explain why I had a Grade A case of the jitters. 

At first I figured my soldier's instincts had to be infallible. If I thought something was wrong, it was wrong. Any minute now that something was going to leap out at us and prove me right, hopefully swallowing a bullet in the process. However, as the day wore on without doing anything more hostile than pouring a whole lot of sunlight onto us while the trees rustled their leaves in our general direction, I began to wonder if I'd just been drinking too much coffee. By lunchtime, I was having to accept that it probably wasn't the planet getting to me at all; it was more likely the whole mess vis-à-vis my current worries about Daniel.

Daniel had started off the day pretending to be full of enthusiasm so we'd all stop worrying about him for five minutes. He hadn't faked it that well but I appreciated the gesture. Ironically, by the end of a couple of hours, I think his interest was becoming genuine as he started to believe anywhere this fertile and enticing _must_ have some signs of civilization around the next bend. 

By lunchtime, I had to keep coughing to remind him he didn't actually get to take point. Ever. Teal'c or Carter or I went first, and then whichever of Teal'c or Carter or I who _wasn't_ leading the way went last, and he slotted into the middle where he was nice and safe. That was the theory anyway. Just a little matter of him being a civilian who would get his head shot off his shoulders before it would occur to him to duck. A minor detail which even after so many missions still tends to slip Daniel's mind if he starts thinking there might be glyphs nearby. 

I sometimes find myself wondering what kind of a teenager Daniel might have been. Every other kid in the neighbourhood would have been out playing street hockey or softball, and I'll just bet he was shut up in a room somewhere translating hieroglyphs into Ancient Greek or something just for the sheer joy of it. It's scary, frankly, really scary.

This trip out we were all feeling a little extra – I don't like using the word 'protective' because people like Makepeace are always throwing it at me, usually with an 'over' attached to the front of it, – but I think a 'concerned' is applicable. We were all a little concerned about Daniel. I'm sure we were all hoping for the same thing from this trip: we wanted him to have a nice mission finding some nice civilization that had evolved in some interesting parallel way into a whole bunch of nice people and nice buildings and nice little scratchy bits of writing that he could have fun playing with. We didn't want any Goa'uld within about a billion miles and if no one mentioned the currently rather contentious word 'Harsesis', we'd be pretty darned grateful for that too.

So, the lack of any sign of civilization was more than a little disappointing while the lack of any humans was frankly, after a while, a little eerie.

By the time we made camp that night, we were a day's walk from the Stargate and not one pace closer to anything of interest, with the creeped out feeling getting worse. However, I tried to ignore it; despite the way I felt like there were fifty people staring at the back of my neck, I _knew_ there was no one around here. And I had other things to worry about – like did I call this mission a bust tomorrow and head back for the 'gate or did I let Daniel keep looking for his beloved lost civilizations for a little longer if only to keep him occupied? 

There was definitely a lot less of a spring in his step by the time we stopped for the night. After we'd set up camp, got a fire going, and he'd eaten something that probably tasted a lot like chicken, he was talking about how logical it was for the Goa'uld to want their slaves to be far enough from the Stargate so they wouldn't think of using it as a way back home and had we noticed on how many planets the Chaapa'ai was an object around which the local populace had constructed complex taboos…? So I figured he was still relatively keen to keep looking. 

It was one of those chill bright nights when the stars look pin clear but seem to have no function except to remind you how very far you are from home. It isn't much fun staring at the night sky when there's not a single constellation you recognise. I kept looking for a moon that wasn't there, waiting for its light to make everything silver as though that would somehow also make everything better. The trees were a wall of dark rustling and creaking around the edge of the clearing. It was difficult not to keep checking over my shoulder to see if they'd crept any closer.

Daniel was huddled too close to the fire getting spat on by sparks as he tried to get warm. When he had long hair I always worried he was going to set it on fire doing that but now the embers just sizzled on his jacket, leaving tiny singemarks. The flames reflected off his glasses, meaning I couldn't see his eyes but I knew if I looked his way his gaze would slide away from me anyway. Which I almost preferred because I hated seeing the closed-off expression he was using to hide the hurt and disappointment he was feeling at the moment. The firelight was throwing weird shadows across his face, making him look like a stranger. I guessed, across the other side of the campfire, I was looking like a stranger to him too. No longer someone whose friendship and respect he could rely on; just some guy who didn't believe in him. When a log cracked open with the heat I think we both flinched. Makepeace would have called the pair of us wusses.

Talking of Makepeace, this might be a good place to correct the popular misconception of me always 'giving in' to Daniel. I do not 'give in' to Daniel. He would be the _first_ person to tell anyone who'd listen that I disagree with him on a regular basis. However, I do take into account he knows a lot of things I don't, and on occasion his way might be the right way. There's no harm in exploring all possibilities. What is the point taking an anthropologist or an archaeologist or a linguist or whatever the hell Daniel is on missions with us and then ignoring every suggestion he makes? So, in this instance, there was no obvious threat. No one could say we'd explored every inch of the planet. We _were_ supposed to be looking for signs of civilization, and although we had yet to find any, it didn't mean they weren't out there. If Daniel wanted to spend another couple of days looking, well what harm would it do? 

Okay, I'll admit it. It wasn't that long since Daniel had lost his wife. After all those years of searching and hoping and _believing_ he was going to get her back, that would be enough to pull the rug out from anyone's feet, so maybe I was happy to go along with anything to take his mind off it for a while. I hadn't handled the aftermath of Sha're's death that well to be honest. Not for lack of trying. I had the best possible intentions. I worried about Daniel's physical and mental welfare, made sure he was eating and sleeping, insured I wasn't crowding him with too much fussing but at the same time remained within earshot if he needed someone to talk to or even a shoulder to cry on. But none of that counted for diddly because I'd already blown the thing he needed most from me in the first five minutes after he came around in the infirmary. Because unfortunately what Daniel needed was for me to believe Sha're had been communicating with him through the ribbon device while that bitch Amaunet was frying Daniel's brain.

It wasn't like I hadn’t _tried_ to believe him. I'd asked Teal'c how long Amaunet could have had Daniel in her grip. He'd said ten seconds at the most. It couldn't have been any more or else basically Daniel's brain would have been running out of his ears. I'd asked Carter the same thing and she'd given me pretty much the same answer although she thought nearer eight seconds. Ten seconds, she'd said, would have been really pushing it.

So Daniel was asking me to accept in the ten seconds – max – while Amaunet was making her very determined effort to kill him, Sha're managed to tell him Amaunet had only taken the people of Abydos captive to disguise she had also kidnapped the boy. She'd kidnapped the boy to rescue him from Heru'Ur and all the other System Lords who were otherwise going to hunt him down and kill him. A one-year old human baby we're talking about here, who is supposedly so incredibly dangerous to them because he's Harsesis and contains all the knowledge of the Goa'uld. Oh yes. She'd also told Daniel he should forgive Teal'c for killing her – something which hadn't happened at this point – and he must continue his travels through the Stargate to search for the child whom Amaunet had hidden on a planet even _Daniel_ admitted was a mythical place called Kheb. In ten seconds. Right.

Even taking a deep breath and trying really _really_ hard, I found that difficult to swallow. And when Daniel went on to say it was Kasuf who'd actually told him the child was Harsesis and Teal'c who'd explained about the whole 'mystical child containing all the secrets of the Goa'uld' thing - despite the fact they hadn't because neither of them had said squat to him, I guess that intent and interested expression I'd been trying so hard to keep plastered on my face must have strayed into blatant disbelief. Anyway, that was about the point where Daniel started to get tetchy. He was halfway through telling me – quite loudly – that didn't I remember dreams I'd had which felt like they lasted for hours despite the fact anyone monitoring my REM could have proven to me that they only really lasted ten seconds…when he began fiddling with his drips. Which is something he always does when he gets irritable in the infirmary, despite the fact he must know by now it drives Doctor Fraiser absolutely nuts and always makes her start whacking that Ativan into him like it was going out of fashion. Which was exactly what happened this time.

After he'd given up protesting that he didn't _want_ any damned sedatives and gone back to bye-bye land, I heaved a big sigh and wondered how the hell we were going to sort this one out. And, of course, what I really wanted to do was tell him, 'Sure, Daniel, I believe you. Let's go start looking for that mythical place from the Book of the Dead or whatever, right now!' But I wanted to tell him that because I knew it was what he wanted to hear not because I believed it. I didn't believe it. I so wanted to, but I just couldn't. And I just couldn't because it didn't make any damned sense.

What _did_ make sense was that he would want something to hang onto after losing Sha're; some purpose to his life: I think he also wanted an excuse to stay part of SG-1. For three years he's been part of this team. This was someone who'd never been part of a team before; someone who was so damned alone until he met Sha're that it hurts just to think about it; someone who made an entire life for himself on Abydos until Apophis stole it just as surely as he stole Sha're and Skaara.

And becoming part of a team isn't something that happens overnight. You could say that Daniel became a member of SG-1 almost as soon as I took him back to Earth. He put on the uniform and went out through the gate when we did, but he didn't _truly_ become a member of SG-1 until he learned to think like a team-member and rely on the rest of us to look out for him, to trust us to be there for him when he needed us, and to be there for us when we needed him. That was a _much_ slower and more painful process. Just before Sha're died, I think he was daring to feel his life wasn't really so bad. He had a job he liked, friends he could trust who trusted him. He was surrounded by people who cared about him and needed him for probably only the second time in his life. His quest for Sha're had become something I think he could live with as a future prospect. Because hey, the present wasn't so bad, and the future was going to be even better because he was going to spend it with Sha're. She'd have other children, his children, and they'd be happy as bugs in a rug back on Abydos. But in the meantime, he was having the time of his life seeing things and doing things no other archaeologist on Earth had access to while still knowing he was doing the best he could to find Sha're while being in the company of people he really liked.

I think Daniel _was_ happy for a time there, not every day in every way but more often than not. It's a difficult thing to be happy when someone you love is suffering a living death; it comes with a hefty guilt attachment. I know. Every time I'm happy, my son is still dead, and my ex-wife is still childless because of me; my gun, my stupidity, and my carelessness. But sometimes even that isn't enough to stop you having moments where you forget just how bad you should be feeling.

Ostensibly, every time he stepped through the 'gate with the rest of us, Daniel's been there first and foremost to look for Sha're. I'm not even saying that isn't true, but it is true there have been times when she wasn't uppermost in his thoughts. That's not a criticism. I just know something about how the human brain works. I don't pretend to be clever like Carter or Daniel, but I do know grief is a truly weird thing.

For instance, I was never clearer about anything than how much I wanted to die after Charlie got killed. It wasn't open to question. It was an absolute fact. I wanted to die, and it was the right thing for me to do. I was never going to be happy again. I was never going to be able to draw a single breath that wasn't soured by guilt, loss, and a literally unbearable misery. Maybe, for that time, I wasn't even wrong. Yet even the worst grief doesn't stay at that pitch forever. You forget. You feel lousy about it and you wonder how the hell you _could_ forget something so terrible that was your fault, but the fact is you just do. You enjoy yourself. You start to get something out of life. If you can just get through the time when there seems no point in going on, you come out the other side. And you're never the same person. You're someone else, but you don't have to be someone worse. My son dying didn't make me a better husband to the woman I loved, and I am always going to regret it. But I do know it's made me a much better friend to Daniel than I could ever have been while Charlie was still alive.

When Sha're died, I wanted to be the best friend I possibly could to Daniel. The trouble was this time I wasn't even sure what that entailed. I didn't want to do the wrong thing for the wrong reasons. All I wanted was for Daniel to get back to the point I was at where suicide didn't seem inviting. I wanted Daniel to stay with SG-1. This whole Harsesis thing seemed like the perfect way to keep Daniel as part of the team. All I had to say was, 'Yes, Daniel, I believe you.' That would be our continuing mission: to boldly seek out a place which didn't exist to look for a child none of us would probably even recognise, who was the son of the host of the Goa'uld who had wrecked Daniel's life. To find a kid who could only be a constant reminder of what Sha're was forced to go through while she was host to Amaunet. 

Now, call me awkward here, but I wasn't as convinced as Daniel was that this was the best way for him to be spending the rest of his life. Given the 'needle in a haystack' aspect of trying to find one baby in a whole universe of transplanted humans, as cosmic wastes of time went, I thought the whole insane Harsesis quest idea was probably up there with trying to paint the planet Jupiter purple with a toothpick.

That's why I resent it when people like Makepeace tell me I 'give in' to Daniel because giving in to Daniel is easy, and it's even easier when you think of all those times you said 'no' to a child who's now dead, who you can't play with 'later' ever again and whom you wish so much you'd said 'yes' to instead…Oh yeah, there is nothing at all difficult about giving in to Daniel. Holding out against Daniel when he really wants something from you and he's been right before and you've been _so_ wrong… _that’s_ hard, that's really hard. That hurts like hell.

"I'm going to bed."

I jumped again – damn but my nerves were twanging – so caught up in thinking about the Daniel in my head, I'd forgotten about the one sitting ten feet from me.

I didn't need to look at him to know he was deliberately not looking at me. We both gazed studiously into the fire as I said, "You can do the last watch." That way if Teal'c didn't want to wake him it was up to Teal'c and nothing to do with me. Daniel hadn't got wise to this one yet.

I had to sense rather than see him nod, because we were still avoiding each other's gaze. I listened to the sound of his boots crunching their way across fallen twigs and pinecones as he headed for his tent. Daniel doesn't weigh that much for his height – which has been useful on the occasions when I've had to pick him up – because he's mostly legs, but he makes more noise than a herd of wildebeests wearing chainmail. Covert is _not_ his middle name. Crunch. Crunch. Snap. Crunch. The billow of a tent flap. Silence. Every time we were out of each other's sight at the moment I think we felt both relief and depression. Relief because the charade of being unbendingly polite to each other could be put aside for a while, and depression because the situation was still going to be out there waiting for us, festering and unresolved, the next time we met up. I was aware of Carter watching us anxiously from the edge of the clearing and I knew she was a hair away from suggesting we all sat down and talked it through. I had a crack about Marriage Guidance I was still fine-tuning in readiness. When the problem confronting you appears to be unsolvable I think there's a lot to be said for avoidance.

This was just where we were at right now. Daniel had asked me to believe something and I'd told him I couldn't. I'd told him I was sorry, and he'd said so was he. And we hadn't said zip about it since. We were both being very civilized about our little disagreement. There were a lot of 'please' and 'thank you's going back and forth between us. I was dutifully asking him from time to time how he was doing and he was telling me he was fine. Carter had tried asking him how he was, and he'd told her he was fine too. For all I knew, Teal'c had asked him how he was doing and had gotten the 'fine' treatment as well.

So Daniel was fine. His wife was dead, and the last three years of his life had been turned by one staff weapon blast from a quest to find the woman he still loved to a futile exercise in chasing after someone who was already lost to him. I knew when Daniel woke in the morning, the first thought in his head was he had failed Sha're. The second thought was after all this time and all we'd been through together, I still didn't have any faith in him or respect for his judgement. Neither of those things was true but I couldn't think of any way to convince him of it. 

When Daniel disappeared back on P3R233 I swear I aged six years in as many hours. When I heard him yell I damn near leapt in the air with relief. And then I saw him: lying there with his shoulder still smoking, in so much pain he could hardly get the words out, a bit of yellow paper crumpled up in his hand that he would _not_ let go of. Teal'c and I picked him up between us then headed straight for the 'gate without needing to exchange a word. I left Carter to tell SG-3 we'd found our strayed lamb, not wanting to waste a second in getting him back to the infirmary.

Daniel kept coming round, saying a lot of things which made no sense about how 'They' were coming, Apophis wanted revenge, they'd come in ships, he was already dead, everyone was dead, Jack, Sam, Catherine, all dead, don't, Teal'c, please don't…. Even I could work out he was delirious and this was just the fever talking. He'd been blasted by something which worked like a staff weapon, maybe some kind of automated defence system or good old-fashioned booby trap. He must have been lying there for hours while we somehow failed to notice him, poor kid, losing blood and in pain. It made me feel sick inside to think of it but at least we'd got him back, right? He'd wake up with his temperature back to normal, tell us what had happened to him, he'd get better, my nerves would stop twanging, and everything would be fine, right? Wrong.

When he woke up with his temperature back to normal he was still saying all the same things. I didn't believe any of them. In my defence, Daniel opened his eyes, looked at me and said, "Jack…?" He generally says "Jack…?" or "Jack!" or occasionally, "JACK!" when he wakes up. How was I supposed to know this time he didn't mean 'Are you there?' he meant 'Are you the right you?' So when I said "How are you feeling?" this look of total panic came into his eyes. He grabbed my arm so hard I had the bruises for a week afterwards and said, "Are you Jack?"

Seriously worried about his mental health now, I said, "Yes, Daniel. You know I am. You're looking right at me."

"You know my name? You know who I am?"

Which was pretty much the point I started yelling for Janet Fraiser, General Hammond, and any psychiatrist they could lay their hands on. Took a while for us to get that one sorted out. Then we got the whole 'Where I Went On My Holidays' speech from Daniel, which was about the time I started thinking maybe this was going to take more than a nice little fishing trip to fix and perhaps the men in white coats option might be a better idea. Even now, when I know how wrong I was, I still think what he told me sounds crazy. I've _been_ to an alternative Universe since then, for crying out loud, but that doesn't make the idea any less inherently idiotic. Daniel wanted me to accept he'd been to a place with a different me, a different him, a different Carter, a different everyone else on the whole damned planet and we'd all been killed by a different Teal'c. Oh yes, and Apophis was coming to kill us all in this dimension, but it was okay because that mangled bit of paper no one had been able to prise out of Daniel's hand? It had the co-ordinates for where we needed to 'gate to go stop him. So there was _that_ problem solved.

Daniel was right. Of course. Everything he said was true. Apophis was coming. The world definitely did need saving. He was so right and I was so wrong. If he hadn't managed to convince me he was telling the truth through the Daniel Jackson Patent Pending Water On A Stone technique of going on and on and _on_ until I caved just to shut him up, we'd all be dead. 

But since then he's also been very wrong. I've spent hours sitting in the damned infirmary waiting for Daniel to wake up, but I don't think I've ever been so uneasy as after I found him lying crumpled on his office floor. Out cold but without a scratch on him. Looking back, I think my actions were logical. I hit the alarm, yelled Ree'tu, sent everyone out to scour the base with those transphaser doohickeys Carter's so proud of, and got Daniel to the infirmary as fast I could. Then I waited for Janet Fraiser to tell me what was wrong with him. Except she couldn't find anything wrong with him. Carter and Teal'c couldn't find any Ree'tu, and General Hammond made me watch the film from the security camera so I could see for myself how Daniel was acting seriously weird right before he collapsed. It was about then Daniel woke up and started telling me the nine dead Linvris whose very dead bodies we'd so recently found wanted him for a host. He could hear voices. Oh yes, and there was a Stargate event horizon in his closet. That one, Daniel didn't get right.

Of course, I didn't get it right either. I shouldn't have let Mackenzie take him away and pump him full of drugs. It just all happened so fast. One minute Daniel was Daniel, the next minute he was this wild-eyed stranger, scared of his own shadow, crying in the corner of a padded cell and telling me he could hear footsteps. I didn't know how to help that guy. Hell, I didn't even know who that guy _was_. I was still reeling from seeing Daniel like that when Janet Fraiser was telling me oh yes, by the way, not only was Daniel a schizophrenic now and I was going to go the same way any minute unless I gave up 'gate travel, but Teal'c was dying. If General Hammond had turned up at that point and told me the Mad Hatter wanted to hold his next tea party in the Gateroom I would hardly have blinked.

It wasn't too many months after we'd got Daniel back from the funny farm and Teal'c back from the nearly dead that I stumbled into Amaunet's tent to find Daniel lying on the floor looking like he was not long for this world and Sha're clearly already having left it. I couldn't take it in for a minute. Even after all the shitty things the universe has done to Daniel, I never saw this one coming. There must be an optimist inside this cynic somewhere, because I realized then a part of me had honestly believed because Daniel deserved to get his wife back, he would. Even now, I think a part of me is still waiting for Daniel to get the happy ending which isn't even a possibility any more.

What I learned over that Linvris business was that Daniel gets it wrong sometimes too. I think I'd let the pendulum swing too far, if anything, gone from never listening to anything the poor kid told me, to thinking because he was so darned smart he had to get it right every time. Well, last time we both got it wrong Daniel nearly ended up spending the rest of his life in a mental institute. Clearly, this time, only one of us had it wrong, which wasn't as bad. The trouble being, I didn't know which one of us it was.

I did know I was losing him here. He was slipping through my fingers, shutting himself off from me, from Carter, from Teal'c, from all of us, and going somewhere unreachable. All I had to do to get him back was tell him yes, we'd go look for Kheb, go find Sha're's child…. But then what…? For how long was that going to help him? If I made something he believed to be Sha're's last request concrete by saying I agreed to it and then Daniel went out there and in his eyes 'failed her' again, how the hell was he going to live with himself? Suppose we searched and searched and never found Kheb because Kheb had never existed except as a bit of leftover mythology in Daniel's ribbon-device scrambled brain? I couldn't turn around in one or two or three years time and tell him he hadn't really failed because there had never really been any last request from Sha're, that Sha're had never said zip to him while the Goa'uld inside her was killing him, and the rest of us had only pretended she had to make him feel better because we felt so damned sorry for him. 

If Sha're had told him the co-ordinates for Kheb, I would have believed him: If she'd told him _anything_ that didn't smack so strongly of wish fulfilment I would have believed him. But Daniel's been in the grip of those ribbon devices before, and he knows the drill. He knows how little time you have. Subconsciously, he knew Teal'c was right behind him and was _going_ to fire that weapon, and Sha're was _going_ to die. He wanted to say goodbye to her. Of course he did. He wanted to believe she'd said goodbye to him, granted him absolution, given him leave to forgive his friend, to continue the life he now needed to cling to even harder. What's more, that she'd given him a purpose, a means to try and put right the wrong he thought he'd done her by not being able to rescue her from Apophis. Perhaps most importantly, Daniel needed to believe Sha're had given him the proof she still believed in him, even now, at the moment of her death, proven her faith in him was as strong as ever. There wasn't a damn thing his dead wife had supposedly said to him that wasn't something Daniel really wanted to hear.

In the short-term, I was sure it would make him feel a whole lot better to believe all the stuff he thought Sha're had told him. In the long-term, I was afraid it might destroy him. 

"Sir?"

I looked up to find the fire still spitting embers at the place where Daniel had been and Carter staring at me anxiously.

"What is it, Major?"

"It's my watch, sir. Don't you think you ought to try and get some rest?"

I gave her my best casual shrug, "I was just enjoying the night air, Carter." When I got to my feet I could see Daniel's tent straight ahead. He was awake. I knew he was awake. He was lying there listening to all those different silences. Some nights there's nothing louder than sounds you know you're never going to hear again. Have you ever lain awake and tried to hear the sound of a child breathing? The sound of your wife murmuring something in her sleep? Daniel was lying there listening to the pocket of silence that should have been filled with Sha're; the same way he must have lain there when he was a child and strained his ears to hear the approaching footsteps of parents who were never going to come tuck him in again. And maybe I was filling one of those silences as well. Maybe there was a little patch of quiet that should have been filled with my footsteps coming towards him, my voice telling him I was sorry I hadn't believed him, and in the morning we'd go look for his dead wife's child.

I made myself go towards my own tent, trying not to think about Daniel closing his eyes as his last flicker of hope faded, trying not to be aware of Teal'c's gaze on the back of my head, Carter sagging a little in disappointment. I wasn't convinced they believed in Kheb any more than I did but they wanted to look for the Harsesis because it would make Daniel happy. I wondered if anyone had any idea how hard it was for me _not_ to make Daniel happy right now? Did they think I was finding this easy? This was killing me! But all the same I _didn't_ do what I wanted to do which was go over to where Daniel was trying to sleep and failing and tell him yes, I believed in Kheb and the Harsesis and as soon as we got back to the SGC we were going to go look for Sha're's boy together. 

I crawled into my own tent and reminded myself I was doing this for Daniel's sake, using tough love which he'd thank me for in the long run. If we could just get through this without me making any stupid concessions which might turn around in the future and bite Daniel in the ass, we'd be okay again. He'd be okay again. He'd forget all that nonsense he imagined Sha're had told him. He'd forgive himself just like I was still trying to forgive myself, and I would help him. I would help him to get through this if only he'd let me but not by lying to him and not by condemning him to a quest he could never complete. Not this time. I wasn't going to do that to Daniel again.

Because lying in my tent with my neck hairs still prickling from dangers which didn't exist, the thought that kept coming back to me was I was the one who'd told him we were going to get Sha're back. I'd told him that, and he'd believed me. I was wrong. Or you could say I was right if you wanted to get technical. We did get her back, eventually. Just not alive. Daniel had trusted me when I'd told him we were going to get his wife back, and I'd let him down. I wasn't _ever_ going to do that to him again. 

What I hadn't realized was Daniel needed to believe he still had a quest to complete, still had something he could do for Sha're, because if he didn't, then Daniel had no reason left to stay alive.

***

Although it was true that I'd been feeling uneasy ever since we stepped through the gate, it wasn't until I woke up in the middle of the night and heard Charlie calling to me from the darkness that I _knew_ something was seriously wrong.

Luckily for me I also knew my son was dead. Knew it on every level. So I also knew that voice was only an echo taken from my mind then thrown back at me like some enemy borrowing your knife to stab you with.

Daniel hadn't been living with his loss long enough to know it was real yet. There were obviously still parts of Daniel hoping that Sha're's death was a dream he might wake up from because Daniel was out and running before I realized that I might not be the only one hearing voices in the night.

I was already out of my tent as I heard Carter despairingly shout Daniel's name. She was trying to reach him, calling, "Daniel, it isn't real…!" but he was already outside the beam of her flashlight, swallowed up by the trees, and I guessed he probably wasn't hearing anything but ghosts right now.

Carter shot me an anxious glance, "Sir, I think he must have believed…."

"I know. I heard something as well." She was looking decidedly peaky, and I winced in sympathy, "Did they try it with you too?"

"I heard my Mom, sir. It was…very convincing, but I managed to hang onto the fact it wasn't her. But it sounded so…."

"I know, Major." I sighed, still having to fight off those last lingering echoes of Charlie screaming 'Dad!' like he needed my help. "I know."

"I heard my father's voice."

I think we both jumped as Teal'c appeared noiselessly behind us. He switched on his flashlight in a way that made it clear discussing despairing echoes of the dead was no longer on the agenda, and finding Daniel Jackson was. Carter and I fell in behind him without a word.

 

If it hadn't been for Teal'c we never would have found him, but the Jaffa could track our lost comrade by flashlight. Luckily, the first part of the path Daniel had taken led through the woods: soft earth and pine needles to show his bare footprints, and plenty of twigs and branches snapped or hanging down defeated where Daniel had run through them in pursuit of that siren voice.

"Holy Hannah, he didn't even stop to put his boots on," Carter murmured in dismay.

I had a sudden memory of wrestling with him in that storeroom: the part of my mind which was making a better job of keeping up with current events very concerned about the loaded gun and the fact Daniel appeared to have gone totally whacko while another more mundane part worried about treading on his bare feet. Not to mention my first sight of Daniel in that padded cell, looking half the size he should have been in those white pyjamas, all bony ankles and vulnerable toes while Mackenzie talked about him like he wasn't even there. No: bare feet and Daniel are not a good combination. I decided that from here on in I was definitely making the guy sleep with his boots on. 

Teal'c was striding through the forest like there was daylight while I wished vainly for night-vision goggles and tried not to get whacked in the face by branches springing back to meet me. I could feel the resin catching at my throat, cobwebs draping themselves across the back of my neck as I listened to the needle mulch swallowing our footsteps. Part of me was worried sick and part of me was thinking _Daniel, why the hell do you keep doing stuff like this?_ A fifty-fifty split I was pretty used to by now. Which part of me won out would depend upon the condition in which we found our missing team-mate. If Daniel was unhurt, the anger would out. If Daniel was injured, concern would swallow every other emotion whole.

As I spat out mouthful of pine needles and something soft and papery that was probably a moth, I wondered what they fed on, whoever these creatures were luring Daniel to his…whatever: Sorrow? Guilt? Hope? God forbid it was hope. There was nothing worse than hoping for what you could never have again.

Totally reliant on Teal'c to find the way because I knew I couldn't, we struggled on along the thin path Daniel had cut through the trees, climbing higher as the sun began to rise. By the time dawn was upon us, we were scrambling up a vertiginous scree path. The trees had fallen back, a defeated army of conifers, leaving the mountains looking down on us like we were something they'd stepped in.

"No boots," Carter said again, looking at the rough shale beneath our feet.

It had been on my mind as well. Daniel's feet would be bruised by now, probably torn. I started to look for bloodstains, but Teal'c found them first, "O'Neill…." He pointed with his staff weapon to a smear upon the rocks.

"Good," I said firmly, "that'll slow him up – gives us a much better chance of catching him." I saw Teal'c and Carter exchange one of those looks that told me better than a telegram how they thought I was heartless, but I didn't care. Ghostly critters in the darkness didn't lure you up in the mountains just to show you the scenery. These people or things meant Daniel no good at all. We, on the other hand, had only the most benevolent intentions towards Daniel, despite the fact he'd just cheated us out of another good night's sleep. Cupping my hands to my mouth, I yelled, "Daniel! Where the hell are you?"

As the mountains picked up my cry and tossed it between them like a tennis ball, I scowled ferociously and tried again, "Daniel! Get your butt back down here, right now, and that's an order!"

"Jack…." It sounded more like a whisper than an answering shout. I wasn't even sure if I'd heard it outside my head. "Help me, Jack…. Help me…." Probably not Daniel then. Daniel only tends to ask for help when there isn't any I can give him. When it's practical to file such a request, such as now, Daniel always has his mind on something else entirely.

"Did either of you hear Daniel asking for help right then?" I looked at Teal'c and Carter and they shook their heads. "Okay – don't believe anything you hear, but if you see him, just grab him – "

"Sha're!"

"I heard that, sir," Carter said at once.

"As did I, O'Neill."

I was already running. As I crested the plateau of the mountain, all grey and green and misty with the world spiralling away all around me, I was blessing the fact Daniel hadn't stopped and put on his boots because that was the only damned reason he wasn't dead by now. 

Daniel was seconds from the brink, but he couldn't run, could barely hobble because of his bleeding feet, but there was no question where he was heading for and it was called oblivion.

I sprinted then threw myself, hands outstretched, just wanting to bring Daniel down, flat, safe, weighted to the ground. For a terrible second, I thought I'd overshot and taken us both over the edge. Then we were hitting the ground hard, Daniel underneath me, too winded by the impact of the fall to even struggle. I had a sudden close up of yellow veins in grey-blue stone, and the remnant of some struggling alpine flower we'd just squashed the life out of.

"Daniel, what the _hell_ were you playing at?" Apart from torn feet, Daniel appeared to be well enough to yell at, and I needed to give some vent to my feelings. When I'd seen Daniel heading for the edge, I'd felt my heart do a backflip that would have had it in serious contention for the medals come the next Olympic Games. That kind of nerve-jolting fear needs an outlet. "Daniel!"

Daniel was still staring over the edge, right arm outstretched. "Sha're!"

"She's not there, Daniel." I took Daniel's jaw in my hand, feeling the beginnings of stubble against my fingertips, almost surprising me because although I know Daniel's age perfectly well I swear some days that kid doesn't look old enough to shave. He looked like shit: Dark circles under red-rimmed eyes, skin a sickly whitish grey, bits of twigs in his hair and a scratch across his left cheek where one of those conifers had obviously slapped him across the face. He didn't smell any too sweet either. I wanted to yell at the person who'd done this to Daniel, which unfortunately was him. I tightened my grip. "Look at me, damnit. Sha're's not there. Sha're's dead and buried. She isn't ever coming back."

"Colonel!"

"O'Neill!"

I glared up at them in exasperation as Teal'c and Carter hurried up behind us. "What? You want me to sugarcoat it? She's gone." I looked back at Daniel and sighed. "And I'm sorry but that's the way it is, Daniel. Sha're's gone."

"I can join her, Jack."

It made me feel shivery inside that Daniel looked so happy, like some doorstep evangelist telling you about the Good Book. Daniel was calm and smiling despite having just hit the ground so hard, having skin missing from his feet, and despite being sat upon by a fair weight of Air Force Colonel. Daniel didn't care. Daniel was happy as a clam. Daniel was going to be joining Sha're any minute now. All he had to do was throw himself off that cliff.

The shivers got worse. I swallowed. "You know she's dead?"

"Yes, Jack, I know. But I can be with her. This is the place of the dead. This is where they go. I can be with her, forever. We can be together again. Isn't it wonderful? Charlie's here too, Jack."

"No, he isn't. Charlie's in a hole in the ground on Earth, and Sha're's in a hole in the ground on Abydos. There isn't anywhere on any plane where you and I can ever be with them again."

Daniel kept looking at me with such tranquil forgiveness, like he'd seen the light, and it was wonderful, but he could afford to be patient until poor old Jack opened his eyes too. The scratch on his cheek was weeping tiny teardrops of blood. I automatically licked my thumb and wiped them off. He didn't so much as blink. "No, Jack, you're wrong. They're here, and they're waiting for us. You have to let me go now, Jack. You know it’s the right thing to do." 

It was hypnotic the way Daniel was talking, looking at me so intently out of unblinking blue eyes, certainty radiating out from him like body heat. Except there was no heat coming off Daniel because Daniel was freezing cold, shaking with the early morning chill and exhaustion while his feet went on bleeding. But although his body might be failing here, Daniel's mind was toasty warm right now. The only thing burning in Daniel was his belief that suicide was painless and wonderful and what he needed to do.

Still kneeling hard on my team-mate, I looked over my shoulder, saying quietly, "Carter, have we got any sedatives? Tranqs? Anything?"

Carter shook her head helplessly. "No, sir. Not with me. Back at the camp."

"Please, Jack," Daniel said softly and calmly. "Let me up now. Please let me get up."

"Not a chance in hell, Daniel." Catching Carter's eye, I said, "Rope?"

She shook her head. "I'm sorry, sir."

"Ideas? Daniel's really lost it here."

"Jack, I've never been saner. Sha're's waiting for me, and I want to go to her. You don't have the right to stop me. Please, Jack, please let me do this. I'm begging you, Jack." He said it all in the same calm sweet voice, not desperate at all, just certain.

I looked down into Daniel's peaceful blue eyes and read in them the conviction he was going to be with his wife any minute. I had a suspicion all this sweetness and light was going to evaporate in a millisecond as soon as Daniel realized he wasn't going to get what he'd come for. Daniel might not be the greatest physical threat in the galaxy, but he can wriggle and kick with the best of them. We were way too close to the edge of this cliff for any fighting. I was glad of Carter and Teal'c hovering close by. I looked up at Teal'c and said quietly, "We have to get him away from this drop. I'm going to get off him, and I want you and Carter to pull him over there, clear?"

Teal'c just nodded. 

"Please, Jack," Daniel was still being a paragon of patience. "Let me go now."

"Sure." As I moved, Teal'c pounced. We were lucky he was as swift as he was strong because Daniel had also been waiting. Daniel's body was already throwing itself towards that echoing void when Teal'c's implacable fingers closed on his jacket and yanked him firmly away from the edge.

That was when the sweet, calm, reasonable Daniel became a spitting hellcat. He lashed out savagely at Carter and Teal'c as they dragged him across the dirt, trying to bite and kick them, struggling madly as he screamed, "No! No! No!"

I saw Carter wince as a kick caught her in the thigh and angrily grabbed one of Daniel's ankles. As they deposited him on the ground, I straddled him, sitting down on him again hard. "Stop it before I belt you," I told him firmly.

"Actually, sir, that might be the only way to get him back to camp." Carter wiped a hand across her stinging cheek. "We're never going to get him down the path if he's struggling like this."

"You have to let me go, Jack! You have to let me go to her!"

I began to unbuckle my belt, looking up at Teal'c. "If we tie his hands and feet do you think you can manage him?"

"It would be much easier if he were unconscious."

I glared at Teal'c; angrily grabbing Daniel by the shoulder and jerking him over onto his front. Teal'c has a real talent for stating the obvious some days. Despite getting a mouthful of dust, Daniel was still shouting he had to go to Sha're. She was waiting for him. I used the belt to lash Daniel's wrists behind his back, making myself pull it tight and trying not to wince as I did so before saying quietly to Teal'c, "Well, if you want to hit him go right ahead, but I can't, okay?" I was ashamed of my moment of weakness, knew I ought to be able to do this, but just couldn't.

"Jack, please, please…." 

I wished Daniel would go back to evangelical calm or screaming hatred because this desperation and sorrow was cutting into me like a knife.

"Please, Jack, I'm so unhappy without her…. I don't want to live without her…. Please let me go to her, Jack…. Please…."

"Shut up, Daniel," I said shortly. Perhaps it was true. Right now, perhaps life was unbearable for him without even the hope of ever seeing Sha're again. I could understand. I knew how it felt. But you got over it. It wasn't fun. It wasn't easy, but you did it all the same. And I sure as hell wasn't going to let Daniel do what I had so nearly done. What's the point in making mistakes if no one else ever gets to learn from them? All the same, if he felt that dead inside, had the same gaping crater where Sha're had been I'd had inside me where Charlie had used to be on our first trip to Abydos …

It didn't matter. He was going to get past this, and he was going to want to live again. Sometime. I rolled him onto his back and pulled at Daniel's belt, tugging it loose before tossing it to Carter. "Tie his ankles."

She did so, wincing at the state of his feet, "Colonel, we really should do something about these before any more dirt gets into them."

Swearing, I undid my jacket and then pulled my t-shirt off over my head. I threw it to her, "Rip it in half; use that." I pulled my jacket back on and zipped it again. It was chilly up here. The sunshine was deceptive, so was the blue sky, the candyfloss clouds, there was a bite to the air that would have given a cobra a run for its money.

"Please, Jack, please…. Please, Jack…. I can't bear it…."

"Daniel if you don't shut up _right now_ , I am going to gag you. Have you got that straight?"

Daniel started to cry. Of course, that was like a knife in my guts because Daniel only cries when he's desperate. Beyond desperate. So unhappy he doesn't even care what people think of him any more, right on the edge and almost over it. I saw the tears glistening on his skin, trickling down to mingle with the blood from that scratch, and I thought of him begging to be taken as a host, willing to give up his own identity just to be with his wife. His dead wife now. I closed my eyes, trying to think what to do. 

Teal'c's voice cut through the sobbing like a diamond into glass, "Those are not real tears, O'Neill. He is trying to manipulate you. Pay no attention to him."

Daniel hissed angrily, and the glance he shot at Teal'c was venomous, tears forgotten in a second.

"You little weasel!" I exclaimed, thinking how close I'd come to falling for it.

The look Daniel gave me was all innocence and sorrow, blue eyes big and tragic. "Please, Jack…?"

On any other occasion, his begging look would probably have worked on me, too. That knowledge infuriated me. "Not a chance, you sneaky little son-of-a-bitch. In fact one more peep out of you and I'll lay you out with pleasure."

"He is possessed," said Teal'c matter-of-factly, looking down on our wriggling teammate without anger.

"What do you mean, Teal'c?" Carter finished bandaging Daniel's torn feet with my t-shirt and wiped her hands.

"There is a legend among the Jaffa of the place of lost souls. It is called 'Erebus'. It is said if one travels there, the dead will come out to greet you. They will sing to you of the pleasures of the underworld and the urge to join them will take possession of your mind until you crave nothing but oblivion."

"Well, that certainly seems to fit the bill here." I felt Daniel struggling beneath me, fighting at the belt around his wrist and ankles but only pulling the leather tighter. Trying to hold him still, I asked Teal'c, "Do you know what causes it?"

"The race who inhabit this planet are invisible to our eyes but feed on human emotions. They crave the extremes, particularly fear. The rush of adrenaline produced by suicide is apparently a great delicacy to them. To this end, they take memories from their victims' minds and use them to lure them to their deaths. Then they enter the victim and experience his emotions for themselves. One must be within Daniel Jackson now."

"Okay, so how do we get the creepy critter out of him?"

"I do not know, O'Neill. It was a legend."

I knew I was going to have to lay Daniel out. No question. If he started wriggling when Teal'c was carrying him down that scree slope, he was going to seriously injure both of them. But, damnit, I really didn't want to. I spend my days trying to avoid my team getting injured, not damaging them myself.

Daniel knew I was going to hit him, too. As I got up and pulled him into a sitting position, he looked so vulnerable, his hands tied behind his back, those blue eyes full of fear. He begged me, "Please, Jack, don't hurt me…"

"That is not Daniel Jackson speaking, O'Neill," Teal'c said calmly.

I knew it was true. Knew Daniel would never say that to me, never gaze up at me all big-eyed and pale and frightened because Daniel isn't frightened of me and doesn't know how to act like he is that efficiently. But all the same, when the kid was sitting there right in front of me, seeming so damned frail…. I looked across at Teal'c. "Damnit, Teal'c, his hands are tied."

"Even if they were not, it would hardly be a fair contest, O'Neill, but that is not relevant on this occasion."

As I drew back my fist, Daniel flinched, ducked his head, crying out piteously, "Please, Jack, don't!"

"Shit!" I turned away, and Daniel was rolling, kicking out to send my legs out from underneath me as he threw himself towards the edge.

It was all over in seconds. Carter dived and grabbed him and as Daniel made determined efforts to kick her away, Teal'c reached down, grabbed our struggling teammate by the collar, hauled him to his feet, then hit him.

I winced. I'd never been so glad in my life Teal'c and I were on the same side because that was a punch and a half, and I was _really_ glad I hadn't been on the receiving end.

Teal'c matter-of-factly swung the unconscious Daniel over his shoulder and headed towards the path. 

***

We saw the unwanted visitor inside Daniel make its exit as Carter dialled the chevrons. There was a brief convulsion from Daniel before something shimmered, displaced the air, then was gone back into the forest. I emptied a clip after it even though I knew it was futile before we all darted through the 'gate.

Doctor Fraiser wasn't at her most understanding as she saw Daniel carried home unconscious – again. She gave me her chilliest look. "Colonel, when I told you I didn't want to see you back in my infirmary for at least three months I didn't mean you could send Daniel in your place."

"All his own idea, Doctor," I assured her. "Well, all the idea of the nasty little sprite who wanted him to sky dive off a mountain anyway. We just took preventative action."

She lifted Daniel's limp head and exclaimed irritably at the sight of the livid bruise on the side of his face. Given the fact she only came up to my chest, the glare she gave me was blood-chilling. "You mean you hit him?"

"Never laid a finger on him," I assured her, glad it was true. Privately, I was wishing we'd untied Daniel before we carried him through the gate, but we'd been in too much of a hurry to get away from the voices.

"I was forced to strike Daniel Jackson for his own protection," Teal'c assured her as he waved aside the stretcher he was being offered for his burden and strode towards the infirmary with Daniel still slung over his shoulder.

To my indignation, I saw Doc Fraiser accepted Teal'c's explanation at once. Clearly if _Teal'c_ thought it necessary to knock Daniel out, it had to be all right, whereas if I'd done it, it would presumably have been both unnecessary and cruel. I wondered what it was about Teal'c. He could say any damned thing he liked, and everyone went along with it. Then it occurred to me I always tended to accept everything Teal'c said as gospel too. I settled for muttering irritably to myself as I followed the massive Jaffa and the diminutive doctor to the infirmary.

"I'll get you some coffee, sir," Carter said as we reached the infirmary.

I looked up in surprise. "Privileges of rank…? Because I'm too old to go get my own…?"

She frowned in mild perplexity. "I'll bring it to the infirmary for you. Save you having to step outside."

God, was I really getting this predictable? I hovered in the doorway as Teal'c laid Daniel down on the bed. I didn't have to stay. I could give up this vigil thing any time I liked. They were undoing the belts around Daniel's wrists and ankles. I could go reclaim mine and walk out of there in the full knowledge that not only was Daniel in good hands but my pants were going to stay up. 

Teal'c was leaving the chair for me; the one on the left side of the bed. Daniel tended to look that way first when he woke up. Of course that was the trouble, it wasn't as if I _wanted_ to stay and do the mother hen bit. It was that Daniel looks for me now, expects it. Might feel a bit unloved if he woke up and no one else from SG-1 was sitting with him. Poor kid. He'd had a rough night too. Running through the woods with no boots on. Hearing his dead wife calling him. Being possessed. Probably in need of a friendly face when he woke up. And, damn, was Daniel going to have a headache when he opened his eyes.

I took the empty chair and peered at the bruise already coming out in some truly dramatic colours. "Did you have to hit him that hard, Teal'c?"

"Yes."

"You know he's bound to come round with concussion."

"He is alive, O'Neill."

I hated Teal'c's way of always cutting to the essentials. If I'd been the one to hit Daniel I would have been agonizing about it whereas Teal'c clearly had no problem with it at all. It was just like the time when Teal'c shot Daniel with the zat gun. Okay, he'd been saving his life, but getting hit by a zat gun hurts. A lot. Daniel had been rolling around on the ramp trying not to swear as the aftershocks shivered through him but Teal'c hadn't felt a single twinge of remorse – just because he'd saved Daniel's life and done the right thing. I ask you, where's the sense in that?

Doctor Fraiser was back, unwinding my torn t-shirt from Daniel's feet. She shook her head at the mess he'd made of himself. "What happened?"

I let Teal'c tell her while I waited for my cup of coffee. Carter was obviously grinding those damned beans by hand the time it was taking her. I didn't need the liquid or the caffeine itself so much as the scent of it. If there's no coffee for me to bury my nose in, all those infirmary odours have a habit of snaking straight down my throat; all that antiseptic and disinfectant, all that blood. Doctor Fraiser had her stethoscope out, was listening to Daniel's lungs: not wonderful, apparently, too much running in the cold night air, possibility of pneumonia. Bruised ribs. Oops, I hoped that wasn't anything to do with me landing on top of him at full stretch. Bruised wrists. Oh come on, Doc, I never tied it that tightly. Bruised ankles. Carter did those, nothing to do with me. Torn feet – definitely nothing to do with me. He was like that when we found him. Honest.

I wondered if I should point out what a lot worse shape Daniel would have been in if I _hadn't_ tackled him to the ground: like flat as a pancake. Doctor Fraiser is never too patient about listening to the 'what if' scenarios. It never does any good pointing out how much more bent out of shape Daniel could have been. She only notices how bent out of shape he _is_. I'm sometimes tempted to say, "You see the thing is, Doc, I get really bored on missions, so every now and then I shake Daniel down for his lunch money, and if he won't cough up I take him behind the Stargate and bounce him up and down on his head just for the sheer hell of it." Except she'd probably believe it. In fact someone regularly bouncing Daniel up and down on his head would explain a lot, like why someone that clever has _no_ common sense.

Daniel groaned.

"Danny…?" I was there in an instant. Damn. I'd been going to play it so cool. Now I was visibly hovering attentively, and Teal'c was raising an eyebrow in that maddening way he has. Yeah, like he never worries.

Daniel's long eyelashes fluttered. He opened his eyes, winced from the light, put a hand up to his head, and said hoarsely, "Who hit me?"

"Teal'c," I told him. Glad the answer wasn't, 'I did.'

Daniel managed a faint smile as he focused on Teal'c. "Thanks, Teal'c. When Jack wimped out on me I thought I was a goner."

"You what?" I spluttered in exasperation. "You ungrateful little skunk, Daniel!"

"Well, honestly, Jack, surely it was obvious it wasn't me! All that whining and crying. You should have slugged me about ten minutes before."

"For a reason which completely escapes me at the moment, I didn't like the idea of hurting you."

"I know." Daniel gave me a tired smile and stretched out a hand. "It was sweet of you, Jack. Dumb under the circumstances but sweet."

"Want me to hit you now? I'm definitely up for it!"

"Colonel O'Neill!"

I winced from Doctor Fraiser's tone, and Daniel shot me a sympathetic look. He said quickly, "You know, Janet, Jack _did _save my life. I was about two foot from the edge when he grabbed me. I didn't think there was any way he could get there in time. That was a really spectacular dive, Jack."__

__"Dive?" Doctor Fraiser turned on me at once. "Colonel, I think I'd better have a look at you too; make sure you haven't cracked a rib or anything."_ _

__Daniel gave me an apologetic wince and mouthed 'Sorry'._ _

__"You're dead, Daniel," I told him as I was ushered away by Doctor Fraiser. "Totally dead."_ _

__

__It was three hours later. Daniel was asleep and alone in the infirmary. I flicked back the blanket to check, and sure enough Daniel's feet had been properly bandaged. He wasn't on a ventilator so presumably his lungs had recovered from the night's activities. The bruise on his face looked spectacular and painful, but it would fade. I was more worried about Daniel's emotional condition. Even if it hadn't been real, he _had_ heard Sha're again, had briefly thought they were going to be reunited. A grief that fresh shouldn't have its scabs scraped off so soon or the wound was definitely going to scar._ _

__"I'm fine, Jack." Daniel said it softly, and I looked at him in surprise._ _

__"Hey, Daniel – didn't know you were awake."_ _

__"I just wondered how long you were going to stand there looking tragic and not saying anything to me, but then I got fed up waiting to find out." Daniel sat up. "How are your ribs?"_ _

__"Fine."_ _

__"Fine as in undamaged or fine as in broken but you're just too damned hard to care?"_ _

__"Bruised," I told him. I added lightly, "You scared the shit out of me, Daniel."_ _

__"Scared the shit out of myself, Jack. You know how much I hate heights." As I didn't crack a smile, Daniel sighed. "Jack, I'm not you, and I don’t want to die. I miss Sha're – I miss her every hour of every…. And I miss the hope I used to have. I miss being able to dream one day we'd get her back, and she and I would go home to Abydos and everything would be the way it was. And sure, maybe it would never have been like that anyway. Never would have been the way it was. Even if I'd gone back to Abydos, I would have been missing the three of you so much that even in the midst of being happy, a part of me would always have been miserable. But I miss being given the opportunity to find out if Sha're and I could have had a life together even after what Apophis did to us, to try to recapture what we had. I miss the chance to try most of all…."_ _

__He faltered for a minute. I was afraid he was going to lose it, just when he really didn't want to be crying in front of me. Then he swallowed and looked me dead in the eye. When he spoke again he sounded fierce and determined, "But I know what grief is, Jack, I know how it works. I've lived with it before. Remember?"_ _

__I did remember then. Wondered how the hell I could have forgotten this wasn't exactly Daniel Jackson's first brush with sorrow. This was a guy who'd lost his parents and his foster-parents at an age when most of us are allowed to go on thinking the people we love are still immortal. Since then, thanks to Apophis, he'd already learned how it felt to have his wife stolen away and be forced to give up a life, a world, and a people he loved. Daniel's a lot tougher than he looks. I don't always remember that. He's had to be. Life hasn't exactly been kind._ _

__He was sounding stronger now, like he knew what he wanted to say, he was damned well going to say it, and I was damned well going to hear it. "But I've never wanted to die, Jack, not ever. I've never believed dying was a solution to any problem. Although there might be days right now when not existing would be easier than getting out of bed in the morning and knowing I am never going to see my wife again, I still don't want to die. That wasn't me up there on the mountain. I don't want to die."_ _

__"Okay! Okay! I believe you."_ _

__I hadn't seen much of Daniel and Sha're together before she was snatched by Apophis. Yet I'd seen enough to know although this might have been first love for both of them, it certainly wasn't just a passing fancy. Daniel had loved Sha're with every cell in his body and every drop of his blood. Although I didn't know her at all well, I'd got the impression she felt just the same way about him. Given ten years and a couple of kids, maybe everything wouldn't have been as rosy between them, maybe Daniel would have been getting curious about life back here on Earth and starting to get restless. We'll never know, will we? Thanks to Apophis, there's no way any of us will ever know. But I do know those two were happy together in a way I don't think even Sarah and I were. Sarah and I loved each other, still do love each other, one hell of a lot, but we still never had what those two had. That's when finding your one true love really sucks. Isn't it? When some bastard comes along and snatches her away from you before you've had a chance to get even a little bit tired of each other. But I did believe despite the huge screaming void inside him where hope had used to be, Daniel was going to drag himself through the rest of his life rather than just borrowing my gun one night and ending it all. And perhaps it was selfish of me, but I was grateful for that._ _

__"Do you believe me?" Daniel looked at me intently. "I know what you were thinking up there, but you were wrong, Jack. Yes, I loved Sha're more than anyone and anything in the world. I am never going to stop loving her and missing her and regretting I couldn't save her. I think the year she and I had together on Abydos will always be the one time in my life I was truly happy. When you first brought me back here, I felt like I'd lost everything I ever had or was ever going to have, but I have SG-1 now. I have all of you. I have an enemy I want to defeat. I have something to do with my life. I need to find Sha're's son. I need to find him with you, Teal'c, and Sam. I really don't want to die." He gave me a very straight look then, reminding me as far as he was concerned, this Harsesis subject had only been shelved, not forgotten, and he was going to come back to it._ _

__I wasn't surprised by his tenacity. Terriers with bones have nothing on Daniel when he sets his mind on something, but I was heartened by that spark in his eyes. Maybe this wasn't just a guy going through the motions of existence, maybe this was someone who had things to do with his life he really wanted to get on with if only you'd stop being such a pain in the ass and _let_ me, Jack. Which was fine by me. A pissy Daniel is something I can live with a lot better than a despairing Daniel._ _

__"I believe you, Daniel." This time I did. That was the moment when I realized I'd left something important out of that sentence, one little word which made a whole lot of difference. The revelation hit me so damned hard it took most of the air out of my lungs and left me gasping. Because who the hell was I, a guy who would have killed himself if it hadn't been for Daniel, to judge what he could and couldn't bear or what he should or shouldn't be protected from? I'd been wondering all this time what my role was as his friend, but I hadn't been acting like his friend, had I? I'd been acting like someone so busy trying to protect him from everything life had to throw at him I'd forgotten he was entitled to make his own decisions, had maybe already weighed up the consequences of what it would do to him to look for Sha're's child and _not_ find him. Christ, I'd been trying to protect Daniel from the psychological damage another failed quest might cost him without ever taking into account Daniel knew better than I ever could what it would cost him, and he'd already told me he still wanted to try._ _

__No wonder he'd been so pissed at me. It wasn't that he hadn't understood my motives. It was that he had. All he was asking for was to be treated like someone who knew his own mind and I'd been so busy running around trying to shield him from himself I hadn't even taken ten minutes out to listen to him._ _

__There was a moment's silence before Daniel said conversationally, "So, next time we're lying on the edge of a ravine, and I tell you I want to jump over the edge, don't sweat it, Jack. Just hit me, will you?"_ _

__I recovered myself before I started getting mushy. Okay, maybe I believed in Daniel and maybe I had veered dangerously towards treating him like a child instead of a grown man who knew his own limits better than I did, but that didn't alter the fact he'd been a major pain in the ass today and damned near got himself killed. He definitely deserved some payback._ _

__"Daniel, I really don't think you want to give me carte blanche to belt you every time you start acting irrationally, do you?"_ _

__Daniel blinked. "That isn't funny."_ _

__"Just checking. Do you only want me to hit you if you're up on mountains? What if you start acting weird somewhere else? What if you should – for instance – run off to talk to a bunch of people we know nothing about? Or decide we need to help someone when it's obvious helping him or her is going to get us all killed? Do I hit you then or do I assume you're just acting normally?"_ _

__"Why do I even bother trying to have a rational conversation with you?" Daniel sulkily slumped back on the pillows._ _

__I reached across and ruffled his hair. "Glad you're okay, Danny."_ _

__"Hate you doing that. Hate you calling me 'Danny'," Daniel pointed out._ _

__"Know you do. Know you do. That's what makes it fun, Daniel." I turned to go._ _

__I was halfway to the doorway when Daniel's soft voice reached me. "Thanks for saving my life, Jack."_ _

__I turned and looked at him. "You're welcome, Daniel," I said. "But you notice I'm not saying 'anytime'. That's my little hint I don't want to have to do this again. Ever. Okay? I don't ever want to have to drag you back from a brink you've run to all by yourself. I don't want to have to punch you out, tie you up, or rip up my clothing to use for bandages for your bleeding body, ever again. And I don't want to have to sit on that damned uncomfortable chair waiting for you to open your eyes either. Are you seeing a pattern in what I'm saying here?"_ _

__Daniel gave me one of his godawful apologies for a salute. "Yes, sir."_ _

__"'Yes, sir' you're seeing a pattern, or 'Yes, sir' you're not going to do any of the damned stupid things you're always doing which scare me half to death?"_ _

__"Either. Both. But I don't get myself hurt on _purpose_ , Jack. Accidents happen. I could say the same to you."_ _

__As I bristled indignantly, Daniel insisted, "If I asked Janet I bet she'd say you've spent as many hours in this infirmary as I have, which means, incidentally, I've spent as much time on the damned uncomfortable chair as you have. I mean it wasn't me who got pronged in the shoulder with a metal spike, was it? Wasn't me who went sailing through the Antarctic gate straight into a compound fracture."_ _

__"No, you went sailing through this gate straight into a concussion."_ _

__"You got an arrow in the shoulder."_ _

__"You got killed, Daniel! Loads of times!"_ _

__"Well…people are always hitting you."_ _

__"They're always hitting you, too."_ _

__Daniel narrowed his eyes. "I bet you have more scar tissue than I do."_ _

__"Well, yes, Daniel, I would have because you've been mortally injured and had to be put through the sarcophagus more often than I have. You're like one of those write'n'wipe boards kids play with: scribble all over you with staff weapon blasts and then just wash it away with Goa'uld technology."_ _

__Daniel sighed. "I'm just saying you’re not the only one who gets scared, Jack."_ _

__I looked across at him and sighed back. "I'll promise to be more careful if you will."_ _

__Daniel smiled like he'd just won a chess game and snuggled down into the bed. He looked sleepy and contented and not at all traumatized. Even the bruise on his face didn't look so bad on a second glance. "That's a deal, Jack," he promised._ _

__"Can I have it in writing?"_ _

__We both looked across to see Janet Fraiser standing at the other end of the infirmary. She came over, saying, "Incidentally, I can't be certain without looking it up, but I think you're pretty much neck and neck for infirmary stopovers. The bottom line is you've both taken up far too much of my time in the past, and I'd like to be seeing a lot less of the both of you in the future. Now, Doctor Jackson, I need to take your temperature. Colonel O'Neill, you need to clear out and give my patient some peace and quiet."_ _

__I retreated but paused in the doorway to glance at Daniel. He was giving me his questioning look. I was puzzling him a little. I'm glad this guy who knows so much about everything still finds me a mystery on occasion. He mouthed: 'You okay, Jack?'_ _

__I grinned and mouthed back: 'Fine. Get some sleep.'_ _

__Doctor Fraiser didn't twitch a hair, but I swear she has eyes in the back of her head. She said, "Colonel O'Neill, if you're still in my infirmary in the next thirty seconds, I'll start getting a bed ready for you."_ _

__"I'm out of here," I told her. "I'm already gone." But I stayed where I was minute longer, still looking at him._ _

__In my mind I could hear Daniel yelling 'Sha're!', see him stretching out an arm towards oblivion, telling me this was the place of the dead, and I had to let him go, had to let him be with her…. But that hadn't been Daniel. This was Daniel. This man who was grieving but not insane with grief. This man who wanted to stay with SG-1, to keep going through the Stargate in search of all those truths perhaps only he could decipher. Maybe he'd come away from Abydos with only the emptiness where Sha're had been, but somehow between us, Teal'c, Sam, and I had managed to put something in her place. Not better. Not worse. Just different._ _

__The voice I could hear in my head now said, 'I don't want to die, Jack," quietly, matter-of-factly, but with absolute certainty. Which was when I remembered something I tend to forget from time to time – Daniel has a lot more sense than people give him credit for. Some days he even has more sense than I do. A man could do a lot worse than to put his faith in Doctor Daniel Jackson._ _

__I realized then at some point I was going to have to tell him maybe I didn't believe in thoughts transmitted through the ribbon device, and mystical children on mythical planets, but I did believe in him. In the end maybe it was all I _needed_ to believe in. _ _

__I couldn't promise him we'd ever find either Kheb or the child. I couldn't promise it wouldn't hurt if we didn't. What I could promise him was that we were willing to start looking just as soon as Daniel was ready. And maybe for the moment, that would be enough for both of us._ _

##### The End

____


End file.
